Quite a few years ago now I realised that even though my experience has cost me the last 7 years with my son, that in fact I got exactly what I was asking for the whole time in the end. When all I wanted was to live my own life, free from the people who never cared about me. What I wanted only included myself because I placed so much importance on how I felt as a result of certain peoples treatment of me. All I saw were the ones who only ever saw what I could do for them but never wanted to know who I was or what I am. I guess I should have taken the time to be more specific and not take for granted the people who already loved me for me.

It turns out that if you go out into the world looking to be shown you are worth nothing, you will find it. It turns out if you are looking to never be loved and for a life full of pain and misery then you will also find that too. I don’t know if people realise that more often than not the universe hands them exactly what they set out to find all along. We are destined to repeat certain behaviours until we learn the lesson properly.

So if the lesson I had to learn would push me to almost take my own life at one point then I might need to take this one seriously. If losing certain people meant I could take my life than I needed to see the role they played in my life. Just assuming they would always be there was not good enough of a reason for them to stay it turns out and if I wanted my life to change in certain ways, then I was going to first have to make those changes to me.

Turns out I am not the victim of my circumstance because again I got exactly what I was asking for in life. It was more of a case of me being a person who needed to learn that what made me happy was about more than just me.

So rather than give away who and what I am to anyone that crosses my path I had to set some rules so that I stopped giving them all the ammo to hurt me. I never said it out load so I didn’t sabotage the whole thing and if I’m honest with you I didn’t really think anyone would work it out in the end. But it turns out that’s because only 1:27,100 would work it out and yesterday I was taken a little by surprise when I realised that one person was sitting right next to me. The funniest part about the whole thing is I don’t think he even knows himself and I don’t really know what happens now. I guess no one has ever gone looking through my blog unless it was to find something about them. No one has noticed something about me and ever found the value in wanting to know more. I wasn’t sure you even existed and truthfully I didn’t plan for what was next. When I think back now I don’t even know if I told you about it and you even said it wasn’t easy to find but I guess in the end you found it because you were willing to waste your time. In a good way.

So while I don’t know what the hell any of this means or what I should do. I guess I will start by doing something I really don’t want to do. I say that because it’s impossible to find anyone that can do half of what you showed yesterday you can do. But I guess it’s more important to me that I not treat you like a number and like everyone else. This does not mean I have to go anywhere or leave your life because you are first and foremost my friend. I just feel it is more important to give you as much space as I can to breath, rather than add to what you already have going on, so you can do what ever it is in life that’s right for you.

In saying all of that, you are free to share your opinion, whatever that should be because I’m only human in the end and I have many flaws. I guess this is also my way of saying thank you for taking the time to even bother knowing who I really am and while I can admit to my many flaws there are actually a lot of really amazing qualities as well.

Here’s some insight, I am attracted to men I can’t manipulate because I have respect for a man I can’t manipulate. Doesn’t matter what he looks like or what he earns or anything like that. It is the difference between me remembering someone’s name or not.

So, I say this with much love, I see you. While I know these things are born out of trauma and while I am guilty of doing the same exact thing it would turn out are we gonna have to start a tally for who has the most stalkers here?

So pick a song because it won’t work on me. I would rather you want to be you than me have to manipulate you into it. I like to be surprised, not get what I want every time anyway but that’s just between you and me.

And when I say thank you I do mean that. While we are known for our ‘research’ when it comes to our targets sometime I don’t think you actually looked through my blog for that reason. I’m pretty sure it was mostly genuine and it’s fucking scary when we do something like that. There is a lot of true vulnerability in that and we get so good at it that no one ever knows. I see it because I am a very similar creature so yesterday being caught off guard was a very strange experience but in a good way. I guess this is me returning the favour or its payback? Maybe a bit of both.

And it would be just my luck that when some random guy asks me “who my daddy was’” it was more than just a kink? Of course my ‘universe’ would present me with an equally as evil version of myself and have that kind of sense of humour when giving me a clue. Right before he pulled my hair because sometimes I like that too ha ha.

So I am going to leave you with one of the smartest things I have heard someone say….

“Don’t stop believing…. Unless your dream is stupid, then you should get a better dream”