Divorce. It is most likely the single word that you never thought would become part of your world or reality. After all, when we decide to get married, most of us are making the commitment for the long haul. No matter what life has waiting for us, we say our vows and promise to stand by our partner through thick and thin.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always play out like we think it should, and we’re left with the aftermath of what looks like your five-year-old’s birthday party after the other kids have left. The only difference is that this divorce after-party mess can linger for much longer than a day, weeks, months, or even years.

The truth is, there isn’t a set answer for how long a divorce will take. It depends on many different factors, some of which you can control and some that are just part of the process. Going through the legal process is eye-opening and an emotional rollercoaster that no one is quite prepared for. So, hang on for a possible bumpy ride.

Divorce Laws Vary Widely by Location

Divorce isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. SAS for Women knows quite well, that every divorce is unique and depends on its own unique circumstances and people. Some divorces are like grabbing a hamburger at your local McDonald’s drive-thru and others are more like getting the new waitress in-training who takes forever to bring your food and your check.

Divorce laws vary from state to state, and of course, country to country. Depending on where you live, divorce can be a completely different experience from another location. In some places, you have to wait a certain amount of time before filing for divorce, also known as separation periods or residency requirements. For instance, South Carolina has a one-year separation period before filing for a no-fault divorce but no actual waiting period. North Carolina couples must be separated for one year and one day before they can file for an absolute divorce.

Read here for more on no-fault divorce states.

Waiting Periods Can Test Your Patience — or Offer Clarity

On the other end of the spectrum, South Dakota divorce law doesn’t require separation before divorce.  In states like these, the divorce process can be almost as quick as ripping off a Band-Aid. It’s fast, painful, and leaves you wondering if you missed a spot.

If you find out there is a mandatory waiting period before you can finalize your divorce, it can feel like someone has hit the pause button on your life and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You’re simply not allowed to push PLAY … period. You begin to understand the virtue of patience on a much deeper level and if you have the right attitude, you might grow and gain some much-needed wisdom in this area. Your other option is to kick and scream about the laws, apply to law school, become a lawyer, and try to change the state laws yourself. I recommend going with the first option and not giving yourself any extra stress during this difficult time.

A Time to Reflect — or Just Get It Over With?

With the right outlook, those waiting periods will give you the opportunity to make sure you’re truly certain that this is the path you want to take. This is cathartic for some women so they can have true peace about their decision, and not so great for others who don’t like being told what they can and cannot do with their lives.  (And rightfully so.) It’s especially challenging for the hard-to-reign-in Type-A personality who wants to get through it and move on as soon as possible.

The good news is, that you don’t get to select the menu option yourself, your state will give you what they’re serving up for the day.

The Emotional Side of Divorce No One Warns You About

It’s one thing to fill out forms and show up for mediation sessions, appointments with a lawyer, or attend court. But it’s a whole other beast to actually face the reality of what’s happening to your life. 

I’m talking about the emotional journey that accompanies the legal/financial divorce process.

My friend, Tiffany, wasn’t prepared for that part. The logistics seemed simple enough (or at least manageable), but emotionally? She wasn’t ready. There were days when Tiffany felt like she could handle it, and then there were days when even answering a simple email from her lawyer felt like way too much. 

She’d delay, avoid, and overthink every single decision as if her life depended on it. In a way it did, because the life she had once known with her Ex was about to be a distant memory instead of the dream marriage she had always imagined.

Emotional Healing Often Comes After the Papers Are Signed

Tiffany remembers sitting there with her lawyer’s email open for hours, unable to hit send because she wasn’t ready for her marriage to officially end. It wasn’t about the paperwork — it was about what that paperwork meant. The more she held onto her feelings, the slower the process went. And honestly, you have to do you. 

Divorce isn’t just about splitting things up and signing papers, it’s about letting go of a part of yourself and an important chapter of your life.

For most of us, that full emotional healing doesn’t happen until long after the divorce document is signed. And it’s there, in your life after divorce, the grief you didn’t count on can suddenly appear.

This is another reason why the question “How long does a divorce take?” is so hard to answer.

There is a start and finish to the legal process and financial negotiation. And you’re learning it has much to do with the state you live in. But the legal process is just one part of the process. There’s a whole other aspect that depends on the individual. It’s the emotional divorce recovery piece. The critical stage of healing that one must go through before one can say they are recovered and whole again.

Tips to Shorten Your Divorce Process:

So, you’re probably thinking, is there a way to make this whole thing go faster? Turns out, there are a few things you can do to keep the process from dragging on (and on… and on). Through our work at SAS, we’ve found these things to be helpful:

• Be vocal about how you’re feeling and communicate

  Even when you’d rather pull the covers over your head, not get out of bed, and forget it’s really happening. Find your support for your emotional story, be that a therapist, a divorce coach, or a best girlfriend who has gone through divorce (and healed!).

• Try to see what you can negotiate and accomplish with your Soon-to-Be-Ex.

  I know the last thing you probably want to do is sit down and have another heart-to-heart with your Ex. But hear me out…the more you can talk things through like adults (and not like you’re back in high school), the faster things will move.  But SAS cautions:  do not agree to things without first checking with a lawyer on what you are fully entitled to. Chances are that you are not a divorce attorney, and you may not know what you are giving up or missing without first checking with the law.

• Divorce mediation may be a good option for you if you’d like to have a referee
  

  Who can help both of you keep your cool while negotiating life’s biggest decisions. The mediator can be your new best friend and if the chips don’t fall in your partner’s favor, you can always blame it on the good ‘ole mediator and not yourself. However, SAS Cautions: you are not a good candidate for mediation if there’s been any abuse or deception in the marriage. Mediation is designed for couples where the power has been equally shared. This means you both have a good understanding of the finances.

• Organization is the name of the game when it comes to divorce paperwork,

  Let’s face it, no one wants to spend hours looking through stacks of paper, finding bank statements, receipts, etc. But, if you do it once and get organized, it will make the entire process much easier and speed things up big time.

• Let it go, Elsa!

  And finally — this one’s a bit of tough love — you gotta stop holding on to every little grievance. The time and energy spent fighting over something that doesn’t really matter? Totally not worth it. Your time is valuable, every day is a gift, and “letting go” can be your best friend as you walk through a divorce.

The Things You Can’t Control (And the Things You Can)

Then there are factors that you can’t control. 

If you have kids, that adds a whole other layer of complexity. I’ve seen friends go through custody battles that seemed to drag on forever. If you are going through a brutal custody fight, the one thing you know is that your children are loved so much that you both want to spend the majority of the time with them. You also want to be aware that fighting in front of them about this is not productive for anyone. Divorced moms will tell you, that finding common ground between you and their father will have the best outcome for both your kids and you.

And if you are thinking about divorce, please know, it’s practically impossible to get full custody of the children if their other parent doesn’t want you to have it.

My friend, Breanne, didn’t have children, but even splitting up finances, property, and yes, even pets took way longer than she had imagined. What she didn’t realize at first was how much easier it would have been if she’d let go of some of the things that, in hindsight, didn’t really matter. Breanne held onto little battles because she thought she had to “win” all of them. But those small wins stretched out the divorce process for her in a big way. It wasn’t worth it.

Every Divorce Has Its Own Pace

At the end of the day, how long your divorce takes is like asking how long it’ll take to heal a broken heart — it’s organic and depends on the people. From where you live to how emotionally ready you and your Ex are to sign those papers, your timeline is uniquely yours. 

At SAS, we know that every woman and her story is different, and whether your divorce process moves along at the speed of a slow Sunday morning or feels like you’re driving on the Autobahn, what matters is how you set yourself up to rebuild your best life after divorce. You’re not just filing paperwork. As a soon-to-be independent woman, you are writing the first page of a brand new chapter of your life. So, take your time, give yourself grace, and focus on where you’re headed — because what’s waiting on the other side? A new you and a new life, so make it count.

NOTES

This article was written by Lori Ann Feeley who loves helping others find hope in the darkest corners of life. She is a freelance writer, adoption advocate, Certified Life Coach, and Founder & CEO of Faith Revolution Creative. Connect with Lori Ann at loriann@faithrevolutioncreative.com.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women. 

Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose not to go it alone.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”