I am more damaged than I am together. I have had more bad days than good. I have been let down more times by people than I can count but I am still here.

I need you to not be fooled by my ‘extreme independence’ or think that it’s something I’ve always dreamt of being. It has never been my choice to fight every battle alone and the fact that I’ve always needed someone in my corner has led to me becoming so damaged by letting the wrong people in.

I make a lot of enemies in this life due to the fact that almost everyone who’s come into my life has either exploited me or abandoned me. It’s been this way for the better part of the last 8 years on my own. It’s not because I go looking for it or I deserve in some way, it’s partly because I grew up in an environment that was hostile as well as the fact that I am alone with no one who would stand up for me, so its easy and because of that, the world does not fear me.

When people don’t fear you in this life you see their true colours very quickly. When there are no repercussions, you see how heartless they can truly be given the opportunity. I need you to understand that anyone who cared about me isn’t here anymore and that I am alone. I don’t have a father like you who would stand up for me when I am hurt or taken advantage of, he’d rather pretend I don’t exist. I need you to understand that most of the friends I have only stick around because of what I bring to their lives and should this change, so would their presence in my life. As bad as that sounds, it is what it is and I’ve learnt to take what I can get in this life and make peace with it in some way.

But I’m still here.

The saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, feels like something people say in lieu of giving a shit, right before they go home to their lives that aren’t empty and filled with trauma, but I am still here.

I often try to make sense of all the suffering that never had a purpose to begin with and that has a lot to do with how broken I am I think. Most of the time I don’t feel strong, I feel worn out and maybe there’s a lesson to all of this pain but what good is it if you feel too tired to work it out? Honestly, most days, I wish I had more to show that but maybe survival is enough? Most days I just want to be told a bedtime story and not wake up in the morning but I will continue to get back up for as long as I can but there is a limit.

They say ignorance is bliss, but fuck that, ignorance is ignorance, bliss is bliss and I refuse to close my eyes because it’s easy. Rather than let it change me, it has made me strong. I like who I am but life has made me hate being me and if I were the universe, I’d let us drown but I’m not and no one is coming to save us.

I need you to understand that I am more broken than most but this only becomes a problem when I’m not in a good space, when I am, I am a force to be reckoned and capable of almost anything, bad and good. One thing I can say about trauma is it teaches you the most and I want a chance to be grateful for all that has tried to break me.

I don’t subscribe to the fantasy that there is a soulmate or kindred spirit out there looking for me like most people do. I understand that relationships take work and there’s no point if you can’t say how you feel or be realistic about shit. I understand the importance of trust, emotional security, respect for you as an individual, shared values and goals. Most importantly unlike most females, I do not need the attention of other men or someone’s approval in order to like who I am. I don’t need you and strong enough to walk away if I need to or this becomes damaging and I hope you are too.

I know I need to accept you for of both your strengths and flaws and I see that you are a good father and despite your best efforts you try to get along with your ex. I see that you have been hurt but willing to still try and learnt from your experience and love your suggestion of the app. You have the ability to say sorry, you open doors and most of all make me feel safe which I’ve not known for some time so thank you for that. I know there is more good than bad so I guess if you’ve got me then I’ve got you.

I am who I am and there’s fuck all chance of you changing me but I do promise that if my behaviour in someway is damaging to you I will do my best to change it because in order for me to make it, I need you to make it too.

If not….. Thank you