So someone that pops into my life every other week asked me something interesting today. He said, “if I could be anywhere, where would I be” and while that seems like a fairly innocent question, it plagued my entire afternoon and I’ve decided that I want to change my answer too.

I wonder though, when you no longer belong anywhere anymore, do you just exist wherever you are? I’ve moved seven times in two years and everywhere I found myself it was just me so its always felt the same. Truthfully I don’t know anyone else who has literally nobody, so I don’t have anything to compare it to but it’s been this way for close to a decade now.

But I am not an orphan, in fact both of parents alive. I have a stepfather and a sister. I have a stepbrother, his wife and a nephew too.  I have aunties and uncles, cousins and their families now.  I even gained an extended family whom I went out of my way to make part of mine and my sons life because I felt it was important for him to have them in his life right from the start. The most important person is my son too.

The problem is not one of them will speak to me or even tell me why.  They don’t answer the phone or hide in their houses and pretend they’re not home.  If I do happen to catch one of them out somewhere they can’t get away from me faster and tell me they are staying out of the whole mess or that it’s between my mother and I.  Sometimes they say some of the most vile things in order to hurt me so I go away on my own and they don’t have to deal with me.  I guess if they aren’t circulating incorrect gossip, they are pretending I don’t exist at all and truthfully I don’t know why.  No one will tell me what I’ve done or what I need to do in order for me to be apart of their lives again.  I think a lot of them would be relieved if I died. So over the past decade or so I’ve had to learn to adapt and to survive in the world and become a heard animal without a heard.

Recently, I had someone come into my life and I feel I may have failed to show them how much some of the little things they did for me actually meant to me. I know that sometimes I might seem cold and detached but the truth is I feel things like everyone else. The only difference is I feel like I do it from behind some sheet of glass because I don’t know how to process things I never got growing up from the people who created the blueprint for me. This is why I write.

So, thank you for dressing up silly with me and wanting to hold my hand and go for a walk. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me how you felt first. I am aware of how cold I can appear so thank you for being brave enough to do it anyway. Thank you for being so load and for making me feel safe and not stopping being you even though some people got their nose out of joint from time to time. I thought your suggestion of an app, even though we didn’t use it was extremely emotionally evolved and my heart sunk and I fell a little more in love with you as you delved into the dragon and the ox. I’m sorry I never got to meet your mum, I was kinda looking forward to doing that. Mostly because I feel like she is responsible for all the lovely things about you and thought maybe she might give me some tips on how to sew. I started learning with my Nanny when my son was a baby but haven’t gone back on account of the fact she was the last family member who wasn’t afraid to stand up for me. She was the last person I had that just loved for me and when she passed away that’s when I came to be completely alone in the world. She would have really liked you.

So to the noisiest person in the room, even before a handful of wacky wakey’s I guess thank you for being you. Thank you for curling up on the couch which felt like the safest place in the world. Thank you for overheating with me every 5 minutes somedays, thank you for my sunrise and for taking me swimming in your pool and if it means anything, I have listened to every single Usher song in order to get the right one so hopefully, as an expert you will agree too.

I guess if you don’t belong anywhere, is there anywhere to be?